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Category Archives: christian

I think every Christian that is truly saved goes through “darker” or silent times in their communicating with God.  I have noticed that the people who say that they were “saved once” or tried the “Jesus thing”, never were saved to begin with.  How do I know this?  They never come back to Christ and do not seem to have any intention of ever doing so in the future.

What I am saying is that true Christians fall.  And they fall very hard at times.  BUT, they come back to God’s open, waiting arms.  I went through this silent period over the past few months.  I felt that when I prayed, when and if I did, I felt as though I was praying to a wall.  Or the air.  My prayers felt so empty, like God did not hear or want to listen to me. 

As far as I was concerned, He should not listen to me.  I do not deserve anything from God.  What have I ever done for Him?  Sinned?  A backslider, a thief, a liar, someone who sits on their calling and not using it to glorify Jesus Christ – what do I deserve?

Death.  Hell.  Nothing.

When God is silent, I think that a Christian who believes – truly believes, learns.  I have learned that silence from God is greater than any wisdom that man could ever speak.  I know that falling as many times as I have is just more for me to gain in my experience with my Christian walk, jog, sprint, stop, walk, run….

Something else I learned through my listening in silence:

This world just bombards us with straight crap.  Most “church shows” bring the same kind of crap wrapped up in the “anointing”.  I thank God for the most needed tool in the Christian fight today – discernment.  My conscience screams at me when I feel that a preacher or something I read stinks with false teaching.  Praise God for that ability to feel and see these things. 

I hate the world and most things I see really irk me, but the stuff that so-called Christians are pulling today just makes me sick to my core.  Jesus warned of it…well it is here in full bloom.  BUT, I am not casting any stones.  I would be the last that would even dare pick one up.  I just pray that the Holy Spirit pierces their hearts with His sword of Repentance as He did mine.

I tend to wonder if most of these “religious people” who have been corrupted by money, power, etc… have ever been saved by Christ but have fallen away?  Or have they never known Christ in the first place?  Sad to think about it, but it is God’s hands (obviously) and not mine.  I do pray for these people at times – bout all you can do anymore.

As I digress or better still, I ramble, I just want to get back to the glory, pain, frustration and beauty of God’s “silent treatment”.  Many people use this on others.  Someone does or says something to hurt you – you give them the silent treatment until they beg for your forgiveness.  See where I am going here don’t you?  I have hurt God so many times I am surprised that He speaks to me at all. 

He loves me.  I still do not know why, but He does.  Even through silence.  What an amazing Father we have!

I learn through hearing or seeing nothing. Don’t think God can break you?  Go ahead and test that theory and get back to me would ya?  I have been broken – very hard and deserved every bit of it.  The silence, that void where you do not feel God’s presence, it is such a horrible, indescribable feeling that just sickens you to the core of your substance.  I really do not want to go through that again.

Christ’s grace is much more sufficient than I could ever hope for.  It would not matter if I did not want it, ask for it, or reject it.  That would not matter.  Jesus Christ gave it – so it is mine.  Wow. 

I was able to listen in silence.  I finally turned from my own hearing and thoughts and listened to my Spirit and my Soul.  They were screaming for God to rescue me.  Screaming for God to bring me back to Him.  Screaming to fill them again with His Holy Spirit.  Screaming for Jesus to dust off my heart.  Screaming to save me from myself.

I missed Him so much. 

Resurrection.

Repentance.

Redemption.

Jesus my Savior.

 

DG 2009

Harbored anguish falls as I grieve
Unending wretchedness is my reprieve
Raze my form to slumbering ashes
Tribulations are my pocketed stashes

The beauty amid these horrid ruins
His grace removes my tainted vision
His silent, powerful intrusion
To be blessed beyond recognition

DG 2009

I proclaim the name of Jesus as my Savior, my
Redeemer, my Giver, and Bearer of salvation!
I will stand my ground; my conviction shall
not be shaken, as I joust with malicious nations!

They can strike God from justice, academics
and country, but they will not remove God from my heart!
As the wails of their souls seek Abbadon’s flame,
my Grandeur, the In dweller of my vitality, shall never depart!

The highest peaks, the deepest abyss,
are minuscule to the adornment I have for you!
That I would rather perish, then to relinquish,
the heavenly mansion that vaults from your Truth!

I will love you, my God, through all shadows
of my earthly existence and trials of faith!
To bow down and uplift the majestic Glory,
the magnificent marvel my soul awaits!

Jesus is my Savior! My great King of
my life’s duty and blessed Ambassador!
This is my manifesto, my oath, as the residue
of my former self is unaccompanied forevermore!

DG 2009

Tired of playing games like I am innocent
Lost days and ways that my time was spent
Sand castles, spinning tassels, whining my way through all life’s hassles

So sick of guilt, man up, face up to it
My picture window has had a brick thrown right through it
Thorns and thistles, weeping and gnashing, without Christ my life is crashing

I’m put back together with invisible scars
Trying to find out who you really are
Seeking answers to understand; the innocent man with His blood on my hands

Still banging my head on the mantle of my life
Still slothful and fearful of what is right
Still prideful, selfish, and too stupid to realize this truth…

I am tired of me…

God’s still small voice

Echoes like the chorus of millions of voices

God’s still voice

Shakes the ground upon which I tread

God’s still small voice

Stirs the fear of His mighty power

God’s still voice

Will bring this world to submission before Him

Why do we not heed and listen?

Why must we wait for judgements and scrolls?

Why does the still small voice of the Almighty Father go unheard?

Why is it harder to hate this world than to love the One who created us?

Still, His still small voice resounds within my inner thoughts

When will I truly hear Him?

DG 2009

How many mornings have rolled out of bed and the first thing you do is start to worry about issues that just will not go away? You cannot get around the fact that this or that issue has not been resolved and it just drives you insane!

Why not make your first thought something like, “God has blessed me with this day and He will provide, guide, and support me through any and all situations that arise. He is my Father and I am His child and He will never leave or forsake me.”

We all have our ups and downs, but I have found that when you do not worry and let God have full control over the situation, the problem will take care of itself. Christ said in John 14:6, “I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.”

So with that in mind, Jesus proclaims that He is the only way to the Father, the only way to Heaven, the only truth, the only way to peace in your life, and the only way to climb out of any struggle you are caught up in. That is reassuring to know that you have a Creator, Mentor, Father, and Best Friend that will walk with you each step of your life.

I find many times that when I start to doubt, that is when things start to get worse for myself. I have banged my head on the mantle of my life so many times, I should be unrecognizable by now. God allows us to struggle at times because it turns our focus towards Him.

We should always focus on God, but as human beings and the billions of distractions that are thrown at us everyday, it can be very difficult. I just know that any and every time I start to lose sight of Christ and His glory, he puts me in my place and lets me endure a hardship that makes me run back to Him flailing my arms and screaming like a little girl 🙂 .

That is the beauty of the love of Christ. No matter how many times we screw up, backslide, or do something stupid, He is always right behind us waiting for us to fall into his loving arms. God knows that we will falter, even before we do so, but He knows our hearts and yearning to become better for the body of Christ as a whole.

God tells us to use the gifts that He has given us and I know that I have wasted so much time not using mine. I am going to change that because I feel that God should not reward someone who is neglecting the gifts given to them. That has been my problem for so long now. I’ve been afraid to use what God has given me to glorify and spread His kingdom. How stupid and selfish am I?

I just know that I love Christ with everything within me. I just want my attitude, persona, and mind to follow to that accord. I have seen many valleys, struggles, (what have you in my time) and God has always, ALWAYS given me a way out.

If you are struggling, hurting, or needing guidance – PRAY. Talk to God as your best friend, as your Father. He already knows what you need, He is just waiting for you to ask for it. Just remember that He will do things in His time, not ours.

We must keep Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior first in our lives. Then He will show us the way out of any struggle that we endure.

My heart is a hazard and a cleft that widens each day
My anxiety swells to shamed, almost infinite pain
Freely I lay my transgressions and doubts by the way
My contradictions and uncertainties I always entertain

To take these from my strained heart, why would you?
To give me this inner peace in a baneful and vicious dwelling
Extracting the stains of a selfish past, why do you?
Where vigor lacks, my weakness for your love is swelling

Unanswered questions find truth in due time
The waiting is what inhibits my sense from serenity
That my heart can be unsoiled and also my mind
To take all misfortune and give a torn man dignity

My love for you is unquestioned and sincere
My faith in myself is my burden of ignorance
I just have to question, why do you hold me so dear?
Is it because your sacrifice bares our resemblance?

I carry on throughout tiredness and hesitation
A fall from the realms of greater and honorable men
I must fulfill my life’s worth and seek destination
Please exonerate me as I lay it down before you again

I am broken, fragmented, and much doubt lingers
As I come to you with bent hands and nimble fingers.
This darkness, the invisible love at which I stare
Knees to be bruised from the amount of much needed prayer.

I seek a trance, that your Spirit will overwhelm my frame.
That you grant lenience to my life, my faults, and my name.
The shadows that fill this room, they are not my own.
To hear the breath of your angels saying, “you are not alone”.

That forgiveness is too much to ask for and acquire
As I fate myself to descend from human, into heavenly desire.
I pray that you will forget, that my iniquity be consumed
As my heart amplifies His words, “with Me you are immune“.

Sharing a few things that pop in my head from time to time…

“I have no validation. “I” within Christ gives me a valid, meaningful life.”

“I cannot stand love. I cannot stand it to the point that I cannot live without it.”

“I do not give a damn what this world thinks. I only have to please God, so take your hate elsewhere.”

“Through all of my trials and downfalls, He is always right there waiting.”

“It really is amazing how much your ears open when your mouth is shut.”

“If you find that you love yourself more than others, you have sealed your destiny.”

“Pray for this man that fails to stop and tumbles over every cliff.”

“When you find success in faith, you find success in your life.
Just remember your success depends on where your faith is.”

“You don’t need your cake, why have it and eat it?”

“If the words God has blessed me with, brings one soul to Christ,
then it would be the greatest compliment to my life.”

“You have never laid eyes upon me, but I love and pray for you all.”