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Category Archives: forgiveness

I think every Christian that is truly saved goes through “darker” or silent times in their communicating with God.  I have noticed that the people who say that they were “saved once” or tried the “Jesus thing”, never were saved to begin with.  How do I know this?  They never come back to Christ and do not seem to have any intention of ever doing so in the future.

What I am saying is that true Christians fall.  And they fall very hard at times.  BUT, they come back to God’s open, waiting arms.  I went through this silent period over the past few months.  I felt that when I prayed, when and if I did, I felt as though I was praying to a wall.  Or the air.  My prayers felt so empty, like God did not hear or want to listen to me. 

As far as I was concerned, He should not listen to me.  I do not deserve anything from God.  What have I ever done for Him?  Sinned?  A backslider, a thief, a liar, someone who sits on their calling and not using it to glorify Jesus Christ – what do I deserve?

Death.  Hell.  Nothing.

When God is silent, I think that a Christian who believes – truly believes, learns.  I have learned that silence from God is greater than any wisdom that man could ever speak.  I know that falling as many times as I have is just more for me to gain in my experience with my Christian walk, jog, sprint, stop, walk, run….

Something else I learned through my listening in silence:

This world just bombards us with straight crap.  Most “church shows” bring the same kind of crap wrapped up in the “anointing”.  I thank God for the most needed tool in the Christian fight today – discernment.  My conscience screams at me when I feel that a preacher or something I read stinks with false teaching.  Praise God for that ability to feel and see these things. 

I hate the world and most things I see really irk me, but the stuff that so-called Christians are pulling today just makes me sick to my core.  Jesus warned of it…well it is here in full bloom.  BUT, I am not casting any stones.  I would be the last that would even dare pick one up.  I just pray that the Holy Spirit pierces their hearts with His sword of Repentance as He did mine.

I tend to wonder if most of these “religious people” who have been corrupted by money, power, etc… have ever been saved by Christ but have fallen away?  Or have they never known Christ in the first place?  Sad to think about it, but it is God’s hands (obviously) and not mine.  I do pray for these people at times – bout all you can do anymore.

As I digress or better still, I ramble, I just want to get back to the glory, pain, frustration and beauty of God’s “silent treatment”.  Many people use this on others.  Someone does or says something to hurt you – you give them the silent treatment until they beg for your forgiveness.  See where I am going here don’t you?  I have hurt God so many times I am surprised that He speaks to me at all. 

He loves me.  I still do not know why, but He does.  Even through silence.  What an amazing Father we have!

I learn through hearing or seeing nothing. Don’t think God can break you?  Go ahead and test that theory and get back to me would ya?  I have been broken – very hard and deserved every bit of it.  The silence, that void where you do not feel God’s presence, it is such a horrible, indescribable feeling that just sickens you to the core of your substance.  I really do not want to go through that again.

Christ’s grace is much more sufficient than I could ever hope for.  It would not matter if I did not want it, ask for it, or reject it.  That would not matter.  Jesus Christ gave it – so it is mine.  Wow. 

I was able to listen in silence.  I finally turned from my own hearing and thoughts and listened to my Spirit and my Soul.  They were screaming for God to rescue me.  Screaming for God to bring me back to Him.  Screaming to fill them again with His Holy Spirit.  Screaming for Jesus to dust off my heart.  Screaming to save me from myself.

I missed Him so much. 

Resurrection.

Repentance.

Redemption.

Jesus my Savior.

 

DG 2009

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The beauty amid these horrid ruins
His grace removes my tainted vision
His silent, powerful intrusion
To be blessed beyond recognition

DG 2009

I proclaim the name of Jesus as my Savior, my
Redeemer, my Giver, and Bearer of salvation!
I will stand my ground; my conviction shall
not be shaken, as I joust with malicious nations!

They can strike God from justice, academics
and country, but they will not remove God from my heart!
As the wails of their souls seek Abbadon’s flame,
my Grandeur, the In dweller of my vitality, shall never depart!

The highest peaks, the deepest abyss,
are minuscule to the adornment I have for you!
That I would rather perish, then to relinquish,
the heavenly mansion that vaults from your Truth!

I will love you, my God, through all shadows
of my earthly existence and trials of faith!
To bow down and uplift the majestic Glory,
the magnificent marvel my soul awaits!

Jesus is my Savior! My great King of
my life’s duty and blessed Ambassador!
This is my manifesto, my oath, as the residue
of my former self is unaccompanied forevermore!

DG 2009

Tired of playing games like I am innocent
Lost days and ways that my time was spent
Sand castles, spinning tassels, whining my way through all life’s hassles

So sick of guilt, man up, face up to it
My picture window has had a brick thrown right through it
Thorns and thistles, weeping and gnashing, without Christ my life is crashing

I’m put back together with invisible scars
Trying to find out who you really are
Seeking answers to understand; the innocent man with His blood on my hands

Still banging my head on the mantle of my life
Still slothful and fearful of what is right
Still prideful, selfish, and too stupid to realize this truth…

I am tired of me…

To bathe in the glory that alone is your praise;
Uncountable prayers for remission of my deviance.
The luminosity of your love that transcends all days;
As I falter and bow seeking merciful forgiveness.

To shout amongst the echoes of your prophets of old;
I reveal the stains that shadow my longing heart.
You unwind the path as my extensive journey unfolds;
I plead that my malfeasance of pride comes apart.

That my eyes can bask in the majesty of your extravagance;
As I fall into forgiveness that is not rightfully mine.
That your kingdom becomes the haven of my existence;
That your benevolent heart, through this odyssey I find.