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Category Archives: grace

I think every Christian that is truly saved goes through “darker” or silent times in their communicating with God.  I have noticed that the people who say that they were “saved once” or tried the “Jesus thing”, never were saved to begin with.  How do I know this?  They never come back to Christ and do not seem to have any intention of ever doing so in the future.

What I am saying is that true Christians fall.  And they fall very hard at times.  BUT, they come back to God’s open, waiting arms.  I went through this silent period over the past few months.  I felt that when I prayed, when and if I did, I felt as though I was praying to a wall.  Or the air.  My prayers felt so empty, like God did not hear or want to listen to me. 

As far as I was concerned, He should not listen to me.  I do not deserve anything from God.  What have I ever done for Him?  Sinned?  A backslider, a thief, a liar, someone who sits on their calling and not using it to glorify Jesus Christ – what do I deserve?

Death.  Hell.  Nothing.

When God is silent, I think that a Christian who believes – truly believes, learns.  I have learned that silence from God is greater than any wisdom that man could ever speak.  I know that falling as many times as I have is just more for me to gain in my experience with my Christian walk, jog, sprint, stop, walk, run….

Something else I learned through my listening in silence:

This world just bombards us with straight crap.  Most “church shows” bring the same kind of crap wrapped up in the “anointing”.  I thank God for the most needed tool in the Christian fight today – discernment.  My conscience screams at me when I feel that a preacher or something I read stinks with false teaching.  Praise God for that ability to feel and see these things. 

I hate the world and most things I see really irk me, but the stuff that so-called Christians are pulling today just makes me sick to my core.  Jesus warned of it…well it is here in full bloom.  BUT, I am not casting any stones.  I would be the last that would even dare pick one up.  I just pray that the Holy Spirit pierces their hearts with His sword of Repentance as He did mine.

I tend to wonder if most of these “religious people” who have been corrupted by money, power, etc… have ever been saved by Christ but have fallen away?  Or have they never known Christ in the first place?  Sad to think about it, but it is God’s hands (obviously) and not mine.  I do pray for these people at times – bout all you can do anymore.

As I digress or better still, I ramble, I just want to get back to the glory, pain, frustration and beauty of God’s “silent treatment”.  Many people use this on others.  Someone does or says something to hurt you – you give them the silent treatment until they beg for your forgiveness.  See where I am going here don’t you?  I have hurt God so many times I am surprised that He speaks to me at all. 

He loves me.  I still do not know why, but He does.  Even through silence.  What an amazing Father we have!

I learn through hearing or seeing nothing. Don’t think God can break you?  Go ahead and test that theory and get back to me would ya?  I have been broken – very hard and deserved every bit of it.  The silence, that void where you do not feel God’s presence, it is such a horrible, indescribable feeling that just sickens you to the core of your substance.  I really do not want to go through that again.

Christ’s grace is much more sufficient than I could ever hope for.  It would not matter if I did not want it, ask for it, or reject it.  That would not matter.  Jesus Christ gave it – so it is mine.  Wow. 

I was able to listen in silence.  I finally turned from my own hearing and thoughts and listened to my Spirit and my Soul.  They were screaming for God to rescue me.  Screaming for God to bring me back to Him.  Screaming to fill them again with His Holy Spirit.  Screaming for Jesus to dust off my heart.  Screaming to save me from myself.

I missed Him so much. 

Resurrection.

Repentance.

Redemption.

Jesus my Savior.

 

DG 2009

I stand alone, confined within this space
But only your eyes see my disgrace
I cannot swallow my shameful regrets
A painful wind – it steals my breath

I hate the way that I constantly behave
I am lost even though I am saved
To flee this world and all it brings
When I die will my soul have wings?

Why do I stumble?
Why do I lie?
Without you Lord
I cannot fly

I am this fool
Flat on my face
I want to run
Out of this place

Why do I laugh?
When I should cry
I am so lost
This hurt inside

My soul screams out, stands up to fight
Choking tears now drown my life
Where is your light?
Jesus I am missing you tonight

Standing in bedroom last night talking to my wife,
I can see the heartbreak in her eyes.
She had been wanting something for so long and
all signs pointed to it’s coming. She looks at me and asks,
“Why does God not like me?” I tell her right away,
“God loves you more than anyone ever could.”

She says, “Why did He break His promise to me?
I have wanted this for so long and I knew that the Pastor
on TV was speaking to me. I knew it was time.”
I told her, “God does not break promises and trust
His word and not the words of man.” She counters,
“He speaks through people though.”
“Yes He does”, I said, “He may have been speaking to someone else.”

Then she was silent. I have never seen her faith so tested and her heart so torn before.
I then looked up at this very old picture that her Grandmother had given to us.
It was a picture of Jesus with two sheep, one on each side of Him and He was holding a lamb in His arms. I told my wife as I pointed to the picture, “I would do anything to take away your hurt, but only He can repair the tear in your heart.”

My wife looks at me with tears in her eyes and says, “He does not speak to me. He only stands there with that lamb in His arms.” In the most gentle and loving way I could speak to her I said, “Sweetheart, that lamb in His arms is you.”

If I spit in your face would you rebuke me?
If I strike you, would you be defensive and retaliatory?
If I cursed your name would you forgive me?
If I had you put to death, would you love me?

Would you?
GRACE.

He loves no matter the hatred which burns.
GRACE.

He grants Heaven for unworthy souls.
GRACE.


Would you?

When I call upon you Jesus,
can I lay down at your feet?
When all this pain surrounds me,
you put my soul at ease.

Can I catch one blessing,
one word from your lips?
Can I find glory in your shadow?
Am I strong enough for this?

My tears are not worthy,
to wash sand from off your feet.
Can I have one touch of mercy,
is there enough for me?

Is there a place for me in heaven,
A seat right on the edge?
Where my eyes can see your glory,
I would hang off the ledge.

I do not need a mansion,
I pray for just one kiss.
To sing and dance for you forever,
would you permit me this?

I know I am unworthy,
there is nothing that I know.
But I would praise you my whole life
to hold one stitch of your robe.

Lord how can you forgive me,
a million times or more
I know you’ve told me a million times,
but what did you do this for?

For my edge of heaven

Three wishes converted into three loving prayers
Hopeless without God who oversees my affairs
Resigning wishes to the lost hearts of this place
Ecstatically resting this first prayer upon our fate
Every heart is true love, my first prayer, Amen

Whispers, that your Spirit transcends every soul
I see the second of prayers as my wishes unfold
Surrounded by grace, your beautiful atmosphere
Hearing ballads of the hosts, aroma to our ears
Even with three prayers, only the last will atone
Sent: my last; we all kneel before God’s throne