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Category Archives: sinner

I think every Christian that is truly saved goes through “darker” or silent times in their communicating with God.  I have noticed that the people who say that they were “saved once” or tried the “Jesus thing”, never were saved to begin with.  How do I know this?  They never come back to Christ and do not seem to have any intention of ever doing so in the future.

What I am saying is that true Christians fall.  And they fall very hard at times.  BUT, they come back to God’s open, waiting arms.  I went through this silent period over the past few months.  I felt that when I prayed, when and if I did, I felt as though I was praying to a wall.  Or the air.  My prayers felt so empty, like God did not hear or want to listen to me. 

As far as I was concerned, He should not listen to me.  I do not deserve anything from God.  What have I ever done for Him?  Sinned?  A backslider, a thief, a liar, someone who sits on their calling and not using it to glorify Jesus Christ – what do I deserve?

Death.  Hell.  Nothing.

When God is silent, I think that a Christian who believes – truly believes, learns.  I have learned that silence from God is greater than any wisdom that man could ever speak.  I know that falling as many times as I have is just more for me to gain in my experience with my Christian walk, jog, sprint, stop, walk, run….

Something else I learned through my listening in silence:

This world just bombards us with straight crap.  Most “church shows” bring the same kind of crap wrapped up in the “anointing”.  I thank God for the most needed tool in the Christian fight today – discernment.  My conscience screams at me when I feel that a preacher or something I read stinks with false teaching.  Praise God for that ability to feel and see these things. 

I hate the world and most things I see really irk me, but the stuff that so-called Christians are pulling today just makes me sick to my core.  Jesus warned of it…well it is here in full bloom.  BUT, I am not casting any stones.  I would be the last that would even dare pick one up.  I just pray that the Holy Spirit pierces their hearts with His sword of Repentance as He did mine.

I tend to wonder if most of these “religious people” who have been corrupted by money, power, etc… have ever been saved by Christ but have fallen away?  Or have they never known Christ in the first place?  Sad to think about it, but it is God’s hands (obviously) and not mine.  I do pray for these people at times – bout all you can do anymore.

As I digress or better still, I ramble, I just want to get back to the glory, pain, frustration and beauty of God’s “silent treatment”.  Many people use this on others.  Someone does or says something to hurt you – you give them the silent treatment until they beg for your forgiveness.  See where I am going here don’t you?  I have hurt God so many times I am surprised that He speaks to me at all. 

He loves me.  I still do not know why, but He does.  Even through silence.  What an amazing Father we have!

I learn through hearing or seeing nothing. Don’t think God can break you?  Go ahead and test that theory and get back to me would ya?  I have been broken – very hard and deserved every bit of it.  The silence, that void where you do not feel God’s presence, it is such a horrible, indescribable feeling that just sickens you to the core of your substance.  I really do not want to go through that again.

Christ’s grace is much more sufficient than I could ever hope for.  It would not matter if I did not want it, ask for it, or reject it.  That would not matter.  Jesus Christ gave it – so it is mine.  Wow. 

I was able to listen in silence.  I finally turned from my own hearing and thoughts and listened to my Spirit and my Soul.  They were screaming for God to rescue me.  Screaming for God to bring me back to Him.  Screaming to fill them again with His Holy Spirit.  Screaming for Jesus to dust off my heart.  Screaming to save me from myself.

I missed Him so much. 




Jesus my Savior.


DG 2009


Three nails, scars, a crown
First step toward ascension
Birth of a Savior

Harbored anguish falls as I grieve
Unending wretchedness is my reprieve
Raze my form to slumbering ashes
Tribulations are my pocketed stashes

Woe to the earth and her ignorance!
Woe to the earth and her circumstance!
Woe to the people who are falsely led!
Woe to the evildoers, who upon God’s children tread!

Woe to those who are lost, gods to themselves!
Woe to those who reject a Savior’s kingdom and wealth!
Woe to demons who cast human faces!
Woe to those who bend to hate and desecration!

Woe to us all who do not seek repentance!
Woe to the darkness who seeks to steal greatness!
Woe to the nations whom war against God!
Woe to those who shall feel wrath from His staff and His rod!

Woe to this earth, these nations, their deafness!
Woe to all who bathe in greed and sinfulness!
Woe to you who hear that will perish two deaths!
Woe to the second, the lake of fire, the first one of the flesh!

Come Lord Christ, our Savior and King!

Majestic mistakes brought forth again
The outcome became the forecast
This perplexed idiocy that I rightfully am
Can I forgive myself of my past?

My personal horseman of blame
The master of residual guilt
This decree of my own damnable shame
The foreman of this crevice I’ve built

To view myself with utter disdain
To contemplate the enigma I am
The rant of my soliloquy, I cannot refrain
Dear Yahweh, can you forgive me again?

This record holder of tribulation
This knight of abundant trials
The gardener of sinful nature
Repentant, I foretaste your arrival

If I spit in your face would you rebuke me?
If I strike you, would you be defensive and retaliatory?
If I cursed your name would you forgive me?
If I had you put to death, would you love me?

Would you?

He loves no matter the hatred which burns.

He grants Heaven for unworthy souls.

Would you?


What if your life’s light faded today?
Would you have pronounced and proclaimed your life?
Would you have a lasting legacy for others to cherish?
Would you have fulfilled your destiny of greatness?

Did you love as you were meant to live?
Did you serve God to the best of your spirit?
Did you forgive all who forsake you?
Did you treasure each day you were given?

Was your family blessed by your heart?
Were your children taught to survive?
Were your friends given utmost friendship?
Did you honor all of the debts that you owed?

Did you become your calling?
Did you follow the path of your fate?
Did you give until you could give no more?
Will it be open when you arrive at heaven’s gate?

Will Jesus read your name in the book upon His lap?
Will God smile upon your faithfulness?
Will He remember you or will you be forgotten?
Is heaven your destination or does your journey finish in darkness?

Why do I have all of these inhibitions?
I keep pounding my head on the mantle of my life.
I feel your love and compassion,
but my ignorance and stupidity keep me from it.

To chase you, to know that you are standing around me.
My heart is blessed, my mind is cursed.
Why the humanness that binds me?
I will keep chasing when there is no need.

I will follow and seek forgiveness.
I will pray that pain and misery subside.
I will love thee the only way I know how.
I will stand in the breath of your shadow.

I will, but will I completely?
Will I fail, can I keep astride?
Then your death brings remembrance,
that the chase is there no more.

You found me, you love ME!
You died for me!
I could never deserve this,
this chase you have already finished.

You are the tree that shades me,
from the fears that besiege me.
From this darkness that inhibits my day.

Your amnesty flows like the oceans,
as I go through the motions.
Knowing all of this will soon pass away.

My burden is a feather,
but I feel my body has been severed.
From this weight, I cannot take anymore.

The chances that I fate,
the trials that I take,
these labyrinths always lead to your door.

Christ’s body was thin,
but He was conqueror of men.
His book of destiny, love abides for all time.

There are answers for the listen,
Heaven for submission.
For His fate governs our hearts and our minds.