I think every Christian that is truly saved goes through “darker” or silent times in their communicating with God. I have noticed that the people who say that they were “saved once” or tried the “Jesus thing”, never were saved to begin with. How do I know this? They never come back to Christ and do not seem to have any intention of ever doing so in the future.
What I am saying is that true Christians fall. And they fall very hard at times. BUT, they come back to God’s open, waiting arms. I went through this silent period over the past few months. I felt that when I prayed, when and if I did, I felt as though I was praying to a wall. Or the air. My prayers felt so empty, like God did not hear or want to listen to me.
As far as I was concerned, He should not listen to me. I do not deserve anything from God. What have I ever done for Him? Sinned? A backslider, a thief, a liar, someone who sits on their calling and not using it to glorify Jesus Christ – what do I deserve?
Death. Hell. Nothing.
When God is silent, I think that a Christian who believes – truly believes, learns. I have learned that silence from God is greater than any wisdom that man could ever speak. I know that falling as many times as I have is just more for me to gain in my experience with my Christian walk, jog, sprint, stop, walk, run….
Something else I learned through my listening in silence:
This world just bombards us with straight crap. Most “church shows” bring the same kind of crap wrapped up in the “anointing”. I thank God for the most needed tool in the Christian fight today – discernment. My conscience screams at me when I feel that a preacher or something I read stinks with false teaching. Praise God for that ability to feel and see these things.
I hate the world and most things I see really irk me, but the stuff that so-called Christians are pulling today just makes me sick to my core. Jesus warned of it…well it is here in full bloom. BUT, I am not casting any stones. I would be the last that would even dare pick one up. I just pray that the Holy Spirit pierces their hearts with His sword of Repentance as He did mine.
I tend to wonder if most of these “religious people” who have been corrupted by money, power, etc… have ever been saved by Christ but have fallen away? Or have they never known Christ in the first place? Sad to think about it, but it is God’s hands (obviously) and not mine. I do pray for these people at times – bout all you can do anymore.
As I digress or better still, I ramble, I just want to get back to the glory, pain, frustration and beauty of God’s “silent treatment”. Many people use this on others. Someone does or says something to hurt you – you give them the silent treatment until they beg for your forgiveness. See where I am going here don’t you? I have hurt God so many times I am surprised that He speaks to me at all.
He loves me. I still do not know why, but He does. Even through silence. What an amazing Father we have!
I learn through hearing or seeing nothing. Don’t think God can break you? Go ahead and test that theory and get back to me would ya? I have been broken – very hard and deserved every bit of it. The silence, that void where you do not feel God’s presence, it is such a horrible, indescribable feeling that just sickens you to the core of your substance. I really do not want to go through that again.
Christ’s grace is much more sufficient than I could ever hope for. It would not matter if I did not want it, ask for it, or reject it. That would not matter. Jesus Christ gave it – so it is mine. Wow.
I was able to listen in silence. I finally turned from my own hearing and thoughts and listened to my Spirit and my Soul. They were screaming for God to rescue me. Screaming for God to bring me back to Him. Screaming to fill them again with His Holy Spirit. Screaming for Jesus to dust off my heart. Screaming to save me from myself.
I missed Him so much.
Resurrection.
Repentance.
Redemption.
Jesus my Savior.
DG 2009
Poems for Christ 